


Message in a Bottle

by MuseMeow



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuseMeow/pseuds/MuseMeow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard opens his messages after being dead for two years. What he finds in his inbox surprises him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Inbox

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a whim today. I may continue it, or I might not. If you like it let me know and I'll write more. Thanks for reading!

The Normandy was eerily quiet. With only a skeleton crew, the corridors and rooms seemed to echo with every step. It still felt like a dream, like none of this was real. For all he knew, this could all be in his head while he still slept on a Cerberus operating table.

Shepard knew that was wishful thinking, the mission on Freedom’s progress was all the dose of reality the Commander needed to know there was real work to be done. He still did not trust the Illusive Man or his Cerberus empire. Unfortunately, Shepard had little choice in the matter as the rest of galaxy thought him to be dead for over two years.

The lift arrived at the forth floor, and Shepard stepped out into his new quarters. The space was lavish by Alliance standards. Twice the size of his old bunk on the original Normandy, with giant fish tanks lining one of the walls. Though the tanks supported no life, it was still a calming amenity. He had a desk area with a console set up for his personal use. The queen sized bed put any other bed he had owned to shame. There was even a sectional couch and lounge area, but Cerberus didn’t stop there. A private bathroom had also been provided for his use.

“I could get used to this,” Shepard uttered to himself as he sat down at the computer console.

As the computer snapped to life, Shepard decided on a whim to open up his old Alliance message account. He didn’t expect much, as the account hadn’t been logged into for two years, but what he found surprised him. A few messages were from around the time of the Normandy’s destruction, but what caught him off guard were the scores of messages from after the crash.

There were dozen of messages and call vids from Kaidan dating back to around eight months prior. He opened one from about a year ago, and Kaidan came into view on the screen. He was sitting at a desk, planet side somewhere, Shepard noted.

“Hey Shepard,” he began before faltering. Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “It’s been a year, and here I am still sending vids as if you’re going to see them.” He stared at his hands sadly.

“It still doesn’t feel real, it’s like you’re still out there, somewhere. Everyone else thinks I’m crazy, except for maybe Liara. I guess I am. It’s just not the same with you gone… I miss you.” Kaidan looked into the camera for a moment before turning it off and ending the message.

Shepard spent the next few hours going through Kaidan’s messages. Some were short updates on his day-to-day activities. While more than a few others were drunken rants. All of them however ended in, “I miss you.”

He came to the first message sent the same day as the demise of the Normandy, time stamped a few hours before the ambush. It was a message Shepard never got to open.

“Hey Shepard,” the message read. “Things have been kind of tense lately, and well, I was wondering if you might want to grab a drink on the next shore leave? I have a few things I need to get off my chest. No pressure though. –Kaidan”

Shepard’s eyes ached from staring at the screen, but he couldn’t look away. There were still scores of unread messages. He pulled up another vid from a few months after the first of the messages.

It started off with Kaidan draining a glass of amber liquid. “Why’d you do it? Why did you have to go off all heroic like that?” Kaidan was clearly drunk. “I should have stayed with you, I could have saved you… I could have…” suddenly Kaidan hurled his glass towards the wall. Shepard heard it shatter off screen.

Kadian stood up, so Shepard could see his outline in the darkened room as Kaidan paced. “I went to the funeral today. Your fucking funeral,” he laughed a bit. “They just gave up on you and buried an empty box, an empty fucking box.”

Kadian sighed, defeated, as he sat back down facing his camera. “I’m not ready to give up, not yet. I never got to say what I wanted. You had to go off all heroic,” he slurred again. “I never got to say how I felt about you.”

Shepard’s heart skipped a beat. “It’s not like it matters,” Kaidan was fighting tears now, “with that empty box in the ground. You had to be all heroic… I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Shepard whispered.


	2. Received

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus has a little chat with the Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back by popular demand, here's chapter two. I guess we'll just have to see where this goes! Thanks for your comments and kudos!

Some semblance of a crew was beginning to take shape. With the added Cerberus staff and some familiar faces, things began to feel a bit more like they used to. Shepard was especially glad to have Garrus back on board. He had been a great friend back on the original Normandy, and it’s always good to have a trusted friend at your side.

Garrus had promised to come visit after settling in. Until then, Shepard busied himself with reading the dossiers of prospective team members. Of course each one was hand picked by the Illusive Man himself.

After reading about a particularly charming Krogan warlord, Shepard decided to take a break. He stared at his computer screen, trying to build up the courage to login to his messaging system. There were only a few unread messages left, and Shepard couldn’t stop himself.

He logged in and opened the second to last message from Kaidan. It was six months old. 

“Hey Shepard,” came Kaidan’s familiar greeting. “I won’t be able to send any messages for a while. Not that it really matters, I’m sending vids to a ghost,” he said sadly, before perking up. “I’m going out on a new mission. I’ll be working with some colonists in the outer rim and doing some other work for the Alliance. It’s all very secretive I guess.”

He leaned back in his chair, and thought for a moment. “There’s something big going on Shepard. I know it. I’m sure it’s going to be the type of mess you would have loved to get in the middle of. Anyway, I have to get going. I miss you.”

Shepard closed out of the vid, and hovered his cursor over the final message from Kaidan. It was dated on the two-year anniversary of Shepard’s death, only a couple months prior. Finally, Shepard opened the message.

Kaidan was seated with a glass in his hand. Only he didn’t speak for a few moments, only swirled the liquid as he stared. “Two years,” he said finally. “I can’t believe I’m still doing this after two years, Shepard. I’ll keep sending these as long as I have to, I guess.”

He looked to the camera, “this is for you Shepard,” he raised his glass, but only sipped at its contents. “I don’t…”

There was a knock at Shepard’s door, and he quickly paused the vid. “Come in,” Shepard bid.

Garrus entered, taking in the new cabin. “Nice,” he smirked. The Turian looked to Shepard, “you busy?”

“No, just going through old mail,” Shepard said.

“I’m sure you’ve got quite the back log,” Garrus muttered. “Anything interesting?”

“Well,” Shepard was suddenly unsure if he wanted to share Kaidan’s vids, but he trusted Garrus with his life. This Turian could keep a secret. “I have quite a few from Kaidan.”

“Really? Though that doesn’t really surprise me. He took your death really hard,” Garrus sat on the edge of Shepard’s desk. “We all did, but I was pretty worried about him for a while. He seems to be doing okay now from what I’ve heard.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Shepard sighed.

“Have you messaged him back?”

“What would I say? ‘Hey sorry for being dead, but I’m back now.’ I have a feeling it wouldn’t go over well.” Shepard sighed, leaning back into his chair.

“I didn’t find the news all that shocking. I think everyone is kind of expecting you to come back from the dead like one of those creatures. What do humans call them again?”

“I am not a zombie, Garrus,” Shepard smiled.

“Zombies, that’s right. I have to say you look better than most of the living dead I’ve seen.”

“So you were a zombie slayer during your off hours being Archangel?”

“One can only aspire to my level of awesome,” Garrus jested. “A couple of my men were big horror movie fans. I may have caught a few of them during my time on Omega.” The mood suddenly turned a bit grim, but Garrus continued. “You should send something to him,” he changed the subject.

“I suppose so. He’s sent nearly a hundred and fifty messages in two years,” Shepard said.

“A hundred and fifty?” Garrus gawked. “You _have_ to send him something. Let me know if you need any creative advice,” Garrus called as he headed towards the door.

As soon as the coast was clear, Shepard played the rest of Kaidan’s last message. “I don’t know what’s going on,” Kaidan’s tone was serious. “Colonists are going missing. Whole communities just disappearing, and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’d probably know exactly what to do, you always did. I miss you.”

The vid closed, and Shepard tried to think of his next steps. Garrus was right, he had to send something. 

He opened the vid application and began, “Hey, Kaidan.”


	3. Reply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan receives Shepard's message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another chapter. 
> 
> It seems like this series is going to consist of short chapters. That seems to be the pattern so far. I'm also planning on sticking with writing between missions for the most part. We've all played the games, I assume, so it would be rather redundant to write those in. Instead I'll just be focusing on Kaidan, Shepard, and maybe some other familiar faces here and there.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the kudos and comments! Here's Chapter 3!

Kaidan stared wearily at the screen of his computer. He was about ready to abandon his report to Anderson and finish it in the morning. Running his hands across his face, Kaidan leaned forward resting his elbows on the desk. After a moment, he reached to shut down the console when a notification pinged. 

In the lower right corner of his screen a new message was waiting. The source was encrypted, but there was no urgent flag on the message. Which struck Kaidan as strange. He opened the message anyway, and a vid window opened up. 

“Hey, Kaidan.” 

Kaidan’s heart nearly stopped. This wasn’t possible, it had to be some cruel joke. It couldn’t be Shepard, he had been declared dead two years ago. He had watched the Normandy be completely destroyed with him still on board. Kaidan had helped carry the empty casket at his funeral. This couldn’t be real.

“I know this is a shock for you. Trust me it was a shock when I woke up on an operating table,” he trailed off trying to think of where to go next. “I, uh, got your messages. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.”

As much as Kaidan didn't want to believe it, a feeling that this was Shepard kept creeping into his chest. This was the man he had followed to hell and back. He seemed to have a few added scars and his hair had the first signs of grey, but it was him.

Shepard sighed, “I know there’s really nothing I can say to make this all okay or prove that it’s really me. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if you just deleted this, but I felt you should know.” There was another pause. 

“Garrus called me a zombie,” Shepard smiled. “Hopefully Joker doesn’t hear about that or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Kaidan didn’t know whether to laugh or scream his last comment. It seemed Shepard had already contacted half the team before him. Then again, tracking Kaidan down would take a whole lot more than a few phone calls. Just getting this message to him was quite the feat.

“I don’t really know what to expect,” Shepard’s tone turned serious again. “If you want to talk, I’m here. If not… Well, I understand. I’ve missed you too, Kaidan” Shepard smiled sadly before ending the message.

Shock didn’t quite cover the wave of emotions that flooded through Kaidan. Shepard had received the messages he sent, the messages he never intended anyone to see. Some of them were Kaidan at his lowest, when he nowhere else to turn. It seemed even in death Shepard had become Kaidan’s crutch, his shoulder to lean on. 

Only Shepard wasn’t dead. Dead people don’t send vid mail.


	4. Calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan finally have a conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for being away for so long. This is actually kind of a side work I'm doing. If you like Fallout, then you can check out my Fallout fic I've been working on.
> 
> Anyway, here's another chapter! Thank you for all your comments and kudos!

Shepard was far more nervous than he expected. After a furious exchange of messages, Shepard convinced Kaidan that the best way to explain everything would be over vid call. He waited patiently for the call to come through. 

His day had gone to hell. They had docked at Purgatory, a maximum-security prison, to negotiate the release of their newest companion. Of course nothing went according to plan as the power mad Warden tried to take them prisoner as well. But, as usual he had underestimated the Commander and his team.

After speaking with the convict they had intended to recruit, Jack, Shepard was beginning to wonder if this team would ever stand a chance against the Collectors. She was a little erratic, to put it nicely. Miranda had described her as down right crazy, but Shepard had a feeling that was only because he had given Jack access to the files Cerberus on her.

The soft ping of his messaging system brought him out of his thoughts. The source of the call was encrypted, so instead of a name on his screen it read, “Private.” There didn’t need to be a name for him to know who it was. Taking a deep breath, he clicked the accept icon.

Kaidan’s face appeared on the screen, and Shepard suddenly didn’t know what to say. “Hey,” he finally mumbled lamely.

“Hey,” Kaidan muttered in reply.

It was suddenly very awkward. Shepard watched as Kaidan stared the desk in front of him for a bit before finally lifting his eyes to the screen. “Were you really dead?”

“Yes,” the Commander stated simply, “but it gets a lot more complicated from there.”

“You could say that again. The Cerberus logo was impossible to miss on the vids,” Kaidan huffed. “What happened? How do I really know this is you and not some fucked up Cerberus ploy?”

It was Shepard’s turn to look away. He knew this question had been coming. There was only one thing that could possibly convince him, and even then it wasn’t a guarantee. They had never spoken about it, and Shepard wasn’t sure it would be enough. Still, he had to try.

“When the Normandy was grounded, before Ilos, you found me on the crew deck. That was probably one of my lowest moments,” Shepard sighed. “Yet, there you were offering your hand to help me up. In that moment, I knew, there was no one I’d rather be with. Then we almost…” Shepard couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“You said in your vids that you never got the chance to say how you felt. Well, neither did I,” Shepard’s words seemed to echo through his room.

Kaidan was silent, taking in everything Shepard had said. Shepard’s heart was pounding in his chest, as Kaidan processed everything. He worried that his former Lieutenant wouldn’t believe him, and waited for the call to disconnect. He braced himself for the rejection that would probably come. 

“So, what happened?” Kaidan’s voice was thick. “After the Normandy went down.” he trailed off. 

Shepard had to keep himself from smiling. It seemed he had at least convinced Kaidan to hear him out. Which is all he could have hoped for. The emotions could be put aside for another time. Right now he had a chance to explain everything. He just hoped it would be enough.


	5. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's nightmares not only keep him up. They also bring back painful memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another short chapter! This is kind of a side project, so sorry about the time gaps between updates.
> 
> Enjoy!

Kaidan was surrounded by flames, the screams of his teammates echoed throughout the ship as he tried to outrun the horrors behind him. The path in front of him was dark, but he knew it well. He just had to keep running. Hands reached for him from the darkness, trying to slow him down. He kept running, his heart pounding in his chest, an unshakable fear threatened to stop him in his tracks.

His destination was close. Rounding a corner he found what he didn’t know he had been searching for. 

“Shepard!” Kaidan called to him, “we have to go!” Only, his words didn’t seem to reach their mark. Shepard only looked at him, a lopsided grin on his face, oblivious to the devastation around them.

Reaching for him, Kaidan was determined to drag the Commander out of this mess. Only he couldn’t move fast enough. His movement had become tremendously slow. The heat of the fire crept up Kaidan’s back as he fought his way forward. The screams began to fill the room as Kaidan continued to reach for Shepard’s arm. His hand hovered a few inches from Shepard’s arm as he strained again this impossible force.

He was too late, the room erupted in flames and they were both consumed by the inferno.

Kaidan was jarred awake from the nightmare, sitting straight up in his twisted sheets. He took a few deep breaths to clam his frazzled nerves. Repeatedly reminding himself he was on Horizon, not on the Normandy. The nightmares had returned shortly after Shepard’s first message. It seemed the past, like Shepard, refused to die.  
He looked over to the clock next to his bed, it read that it was shortly before five am. 

Deciding to get up, he crossed the room to the computer module. There had been no word from Shepard in weeks, as Kaidan told him that he need time to think things over. Only now was he realizing no amount of time would remove his doubts about the whole situation. Cerberus was a terrorist group. It wouldn’t be crazy to think that this was some ploy to get to him and, by extension, the Alliance.

The conversation with Shepard had gone far better than Kaidan thought it would. He had answered everyone of Kaidan’s questions about Shepard’s mission, his death and revival, and about the past. Though it had taken many crazy turn, their talk ended well. Still, Kaidan had asked for time. It was all just too much for him to take in, and he had his fears constantly nagging at him. Yet, when he saw Shepard’s face on that vid call his heart had nearly stopped. Deep down he knew that was Shepard on the screen, he just couldn’t get himself to fully accept it. If Shepard was truly back, then he could be taken away again and it had nearly killed Kaidan the first time.

Shepard had ordered him to get the crew off the Normandy. At first Kaidan had refused, not wanting to leave behind the Commander, but there was no arguing with the man. The Commander was always right. Always knew what to do in the worst of situations and Kaidan trusted him. So Kaidan had left him, got what was let of the crew on the evac shuttles and left. Left Shepard to die. It didn't matter how many times he told himself he had done exactly as Shepard had wanted, as he was ordered to, he still felt responsible. 

Then the news had come that Shepard was alive. Kaidan had even talked to him. Then why did he still feel this way?

Putting aside the painful past, he powered up the computer and began to write.


	6. After

The Commander’s cabin was fortunately dark and quiet. The tank lights were dim, casting an eerie glow across the floor. The dark shadows seemed to welcome him home. Slowly, piece by piece, Shepard began removing his armor. He had taken the elevator directly from the shuttle bay. He needed some space to deal with the aftermath of this mission before he could debrief his team.

Horizon had been a mess. Though they managed to stop the Collectors from abducting the entire colony, it still didn’t feel like a victory. How many had they gotten before the Normandy arrived? Hundreds? Thousands? It was impossible to tell until the colonist regrouped and the Alliance arrived. Until then, Kaidan was left to clean up the mess that Shepard always seemed to leave in his wake.

Silently, Shepard was grateful Kaidan had made it through the disaster. His mind was still whirling from it. When the Commander had woken up that morning, he had no idea where in the vast universe Kaidan was. Then, there he stood, in front of him. Kaidan had called him a ghost, but it was Kaidan who had changed. To Shepard, it had only been months since he last saw Kaidan. A few days since their vid call. The Commander had to remind himself that this was the first time Kaidan had seen in person in over two years.

Turning on the shower, Shepard remembered how Kaidan had offered him his hand, only to have Shepard pull him into short embrace. Truthfully, Shepard had hoped Kaidan would join the new Normandy and their mission. Only, Kaidan had flatly refused with a hint of anger in his voice. The rejection had stung, and Shepard turn the heat of the water up.

Something had changed since the last time Shepard had spoken. Perhaps that had been wishful thinking on Shepard's part. How could he make everything okay with a few short conversations? Kaidan was still wary of him. Still, distrustful of his relationship with Cerberus and even with the Alliance. He had seen the way Kaidan had looked at him, detached and calculating. There was no room for error in Kaidan’s world. 

Rolling his head back, Shepard let the hot water wash away the dirt and grime of Horizon. The hot water cascaded over his face and shoulders. Part of him wished it could wash away the scars that now crisscrossed his body. He wanted to wipe away the last two years. Wanted to know how things could have been if he had gotten Kaidan’s first message. He wondered what if he had gone out for drinks with him. So much had been stolen from him, time, trust, opportunity… it wasn’t fair. 

Closing his eyes, Shepard turned off the shower. He knew thinking about what could have been was useless. This was where he was now and he had to make the best of it. Like always.

Getting dressed, he glanced over at his terminal. There were no new messages. Then again, why would there be? 

Running a hand through his hair, Shepard turned to the door. His crew was waiting.


	7. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finally comes to his senses.

It was late and Kaidan still stared at the console screen. Another encrypted vid message taunted him. It could only be from one person, and for the last hour Kaidan had pained over the decision to open it. Part of him wanted to ignore it, he felt he had said everything he had needed to say on Horizon. Maybe not in the way he intended, but he had meant every word.

_You’re letting your feelings about Cerberus get in the way of the facts…_ Surprisingly, it was Garrus who had struck a chord with Kaidan. The turian had fought right beside Shepard on Horizon. Kaidan had always respected Garrus, but right now Kaidan had tunnel vision. No one could change his mind about Cerberus. Seeing that logo on Shepard’s shirt during their vid call infuriated him, and he couldn’t seem to get around it.

Hovering the curser over the delete option, Kaidan stopped. “Shit,” he muttered. As much as he hated seeing that stupid logo on the message head, but he couldn’t pass up seeing Shepard’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to miss hearing the Commander’s voice, or see his smile…  
Shit.

“Hey Kaidan,” Shepard looked and sounded tired. “I had hoped we could have met under better circumstances, but that never seems to happen in our line of work.”

Kaidan’s stomach flipped over on itself and he moved the curser to delete the video before it really got started, but somehow seeing Shepard stopped him.

“Look,” those green eyes stared directly into the cam, “I never wanted any of this. When the Normandy went down, I knew it was the end. It should have been the end. Except it wasn’t.

“I went to Anderson on the Citadel, expecting him to tell me to cut ties come back to the Alliance. Well, he didn’t. The Council reinstated me, and well, you know the rest of that story. 

“You also know I will do whatever it takes to get the job done. You know I don’t cut corners. That I would only do this for the right reasons, but that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. We’ve been over this.” Shepard trailed off.

Taking a deep breath, Shepard’s vid continued, his gaze faltering, “this whole situation kind of freaks me out Kaidan. Sure, when I’m out of this room I’m one hundred percent there, but part of me is afraid. Afraid that you’re right about me. That Cerberus did something, I don’t know what, to make me… not me. That scares the shit out of me, Kaidan.”

Kaidan’s heart sank at that statement. He had only seen Shepard like this once, just before their mission Ilos and it seemed political bureaucracy had defeated them. 

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” Shepard admitted. “You’ve made it clear where you stand, and well, I guess I’m still figuring myself out a bit.

“You were right, Kaidan,” Shepard said sadly, “a lot has changed in two years.”

The Commander looked at the camera again, his green eyes almost seemed to make contact with Kaidan’s. 

“None of this feels real. I mean, I missed so much when I was… gone. The council burying the Reaper threat, the crew moving on to other projects, and I missed out on you Kaidan. And I never meant to put you through all of that. I’m sorry. 

“I’m sorry I never took you out like I had promised. I’m sorry you had to bury me. I never meant to hurt you, Kaidan. I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back… but I can’t.”

Tears filled Shepard’s eyes, and Kaidan noticed he was also crying. Shit.

The vid ended abruptly, leaving Kaidan dazed. In the few years Kaidan had known the Commander, he had never seen Shepard shed a single tear. Shepard was struggling to find himself, just like Kaidan had struggled after his death. Only Kaidan had his friends, he had the Normandy’s entire remaining crew to lean on. They had split up, but remained in relative contact. Bound together by loss, his crewmates would periodically check on him.

Garrus seemed to be with Shepard, fighting by his side, but what had Kaidan done? Shepard needed him, and he had just spat in his face. Letting him fly off on a suicide mission surrounded by Cerberus agents.

Shit.


	8. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard waits for Kaidan's reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if any of you also read my Fallout fics, but if you haven't, check them out. I've been on a hiatus from writing for about a year now. Been caught up in my "new life," that keeps throwing me curveballs. I really hope to settle back in and get those going again and wrap up my popular fic. Alas, I have learned not to make too many promises these days.
> 
> Anyway, things will hopefully lighten up here. I've experience too much, and caused too much, pain as of late. I think Shepard and Kaidan deserve a bit of the good life. If only for a short while...
> 
> Thank you all dear readers for your continued support and encouragement. I put a lot of myself into my writing, and I'm glad I've found a home where I can be me. Thank you.

The Normandy’s crew was finally becoming a force to be reckoned with. After picking up Tali and an Asari Justicar named Samara, Shepard had finally put together the team picked out by the Illusive Man. Only, Shepard wasn’t sure they were ready for any major missions just yet. Everyone seemed to be struggling with something. Hell, just keeping Miranda and Jack from murdering each other in a blind biotic rage was taking up too much of Shepard’s time and attention. Even Garrus had some unfinished business that kept him from fully committing to the mission.

As for himself, Shepard did his best to keep Kaidan off his mind. He hadn't heard from Kaidan in weeks, but at least he had plenty to keep him busy. It what he had always done. Pushing everything aside for the sake of the mission, for his crew, for the whole damn galaxy. Besides, Shepard had plenty to do while Cerberus researched a way to even get his team through the Omega relay. They would be heading to the Citadel soon, so the team could get some time ashore and time to sort out some of their personal business. For now he would go where he was needed most and do his best to ignore the weight of Kaidan’s silence.

Truth be told, he had not meant to get as emotional as he had in the last vid message he had sent to Kaidan. It was a rare moment of weakness that had autosent after he disconnected his call. Kaidan had ignored it anyway. Shepard did not expected him to give him the time of day after Horizon. There was too much anger, and betrayal created by his alliance with Cerberus. Part of him had hoped he could somehow make him see reason, but more and more he was seeing it may not be possible. He knew Kaidan, and Shepard trusted him with his life and if Kaidan didn’t trust him… Why should Shepard trust himself?

Shepard lay in bed, trying to force himself to sleep. Tali was right, this ship was too quiet. The hum of the air circulator fought for dominance over the soft bubbling of the fish tank filter. Reminding him how empty and hollow the ship seemed to be without Kaidan there.

His thoughts were interrupted by the soft ping of message arriving at his terminal. There was no rest to be had at the moment, so with a sigh Shepard got out of bed and headed to his terminal. 

It was the itinerary for his shore leave from Kelly Chambers. He was meeting with Garrus down on the lower leaves of the Citadel. While it seemed Captain Bailey might have some leads on Thane’s son. The rest of it, well, it was more of a glorified shopping list, but nonetheless Shepard would be kept busy during his time on Citadel.

 _“Why call it shore leave, when I’m really just working off the ship?”_ Shepard penned a quick response back to Kelly through the internal message system.

 _“Well, you’re leaving to go ashore,”_ Kelly clarified, messaging the Commander back immediately. _“Please don’t forget Rupert’s ingredients this time. We could all use something more... eatable, shall I say, than the sorry excuse for rations he’s been serving lately.”_

Shepard smirked, _“I’ll do my best.”_

_“That’s all we can ask for, Commander.”_

Shepard closed out of the conversation when another message popped into his inbox. It was a message from Kaidan. He reread the sender line, just to make sure. His heart began beating faster, as he confirmed for the forth time that is was indeed from Kaidan. Taking a deep breath, Shepard opened it.

_Shepard,_

_About Horizon… I meant everything I said back there about Cerberus, but I have to admit seeing you threw me through a loop. We had talked before sure, but seeing you in person, it didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t seem real, sometimes._

_I thought I was ready to see you, but I wasn’t. Then again, I don’t think I could have ever been ready. Really, what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. I still don’t know what to make of all of this. I was finally getting myself together. Even took a doctor out for drinks on leave. Nothing serious, but it was progress, you know?_

_Then you’re suddenly just there, standing in front of me…_

_Maybe we can find some time to talk again. Preferably not somewhere being attacked by Collectors. The Alliance has called me back to the Citadel, new orders it seems. If you find yourself there, look me up. I can’t promise anything, but I can’t leave things between us like this._

_Be careful out there,_

_Kaidan._

Shepard’s heart skipped a beat. His to-do list on the Citadel just got a little bit longer.


	9. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan meets Shepard aboard the Normandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to write some fluff, so here it is. I thought about also writing some smut, or maybe a future smutty exchange, but decided to keep it relatively clean this time around. However, I will write what the readers demand, so let me know if you think it will fit in. Thanks again for reading!

Shepard would have never thought he would get Kaidan on the Normandy again. The Commander knew just how stubborn Kaidan could be, and he was genuinely surprised when Kaidan agreed to meet him aboard the frigate. Even if Kaidan clearly looked uncomfortable standing on the navigation deck, it was real progress.

The ship was mostly empty due to a majority of the crew being ashore. The rest of the Cerberus crew steered clear from the man in Alliance fatigues.

“Kaidan, you made it,” Shepard greeted him by the star map. 

“Yeah,” Kaidan breathed. “Nice ship,’ he added lamely.

Shepard smiled and Kaidan gave him a small nod in return. Not the reaction he had been hoping for, but it meant a lot for him to even be here.

“Is there somewhere we could talk?” Kaidan asked eying the remaining crew members aboard wearily.

“Follow me,” Shepard lead him into the elevator and the pair rode in silence to the uppermost deck.

Shepard silently enjoyed watching Kaidan’s eyes go wide at the sight of his cabin. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” Shepard asked coolly sitting down on the leather sofa. "Don't worry, already cleared the room for bugs. Probably the only space on the ship that doesn't have any surveillance."

The Commander was straight to the point like always. Kaidan took a seat next to, but not too close, to Shepard. He seemed nervous and unsure, but Shepard waited patiently for Kaidan to gather his thoughts.

“To be honest, I don’t even know where to start,” Kaidan admitted. “I’ve run this through my head a hundred times, and it never seems to get any better. I just honestly don’t know what to do with you Shepard.”

“What do you mean?” Shepard’s tone was guarded. 

“I trusted you Shepard, I mean I do, but the whole Cerberus thing I can’t get my head around it. They brought you back, gave you a ship. Not just any ship, but an updated version of a secret Alliance stealth ship.” Kaidan sighed. Taking a moment to focus again Kaidan continued, “I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you though. I admit, I am glad you’re back. I missed you.”

Kaidan looked at him expectantly. The Commander’s heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to reach out and take Kaidan’s hand, and his mind fumbled over what to say next.

“I’ve missed you too, Kaidan,” Shepard finally said. Rubbing his hands together nervously, he continued, “if I could have made things any other way, I would have.”

“I know,” Kaidan sighed. “Shepard I’m just scared.”

“Of what? Of Cerberus?” Shepard knew where this was headed, and he hoped it wouldn’t degrade into another argument.

“Yeah that's a big part of it, but that isn’t really it,” Kaidan’s eyes found his. “I can’t lose you again, Shepard.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard couldn’t hold back any longer, and his hand found Kaidan’s. He didn’t pull away, so Shepard pressed on. “I can’t promise you that you won’t lose me again. You know I can’t, but I don’t plan on wasting this second chance.”

Before Shepard could say another word, Kaidan’s lips found his. It caught him off guard, his whole body went rigid, but he quickly relaxed into it. Two years of hurting and longing had been poured into this one moment and neither wanted it to end. 

When they finally parted, Shepard couldn’t quite believe that it had actually happened. It had almost happened once before Ilos, but they had been interrupted but the situation at hand. Neither had acted on their feelings since.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” Kaidan uttered.

Shepard smiled, “me too.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been such an ass. I’m not wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you. Just promise me, no more heroic self sacrifices,” Kaidan was dead serious.

“I promise I will always fight to come back to you,” Shepard’s hand gripped Kaidan’s tighter.

“I know the risks,” Kaidan nodded, “so that’s all I can ask.”

“Where do we go from here?” Shepard asked, knowing their separate missions would take them to the far ends of the galaxy.

“To be honest, Shepard, I don’t know. I would follow you to the ends of the universe, but I just can’t work for Cerberus. The Alliance has a few ideas of what to do with me for now, and I’ll probably be shipped off in a few days,” Kaidan admitted.

“The Illusive man hates that I message you, so if you want to piss him off we can still talk,” Shepard offered slyly. 

Kaidan finally smiled, “how could I saw no to that?

“And, if I’m not mistaken, we are together now,” Shepard took Kaidan’s other hand in his, turning into him, “and I don’t plan to waste it.”

This wasn’t what Shepard had expected when Kaidan had agreed to come talk and he doubted Kaidan had intended it either. Right now, they didn’t care. Time was against them, and they had so much to make up for.


End file.
